Ralph Fiennes is a Robot. (dot com.)
Seriously guys, think about it. Have you ever seen a movie with Ralph Fiennes in it?
You don't think so? Well actually, YOU HAVE. If you've ever seen The English Patient, Maid in Manhattan, Schindler's List or, um...ANY of the Harry Potter movies (he is Lord Voldemort) then you've seen him. The only thing is, he can definitely be elusive. He's easy to overlook because he's incapable of successfully conveying feelings. He's really more of a moving prop than an actor in many films.
I would make the same argument about someone like Keanu Reeves, except Reeves just strikes me as a really dumb stoner, not so much someone who is so cold, so unfeeling, that he would be capable of tearing somebody limb from limb without so much as an utterance. (If you saw Red Dragon, you will know exactly what I mean in the Fiennes department.) It's not so much that he is great at being evil--it's that he is great at acting with that special brand of non-emotive neutrality that chills REAL humans to their souls. It is the kind of acting that only a MACHINE could consistently perform. Because that's what machines are designed to do--consistently perform.
Let's take "Maid in Manhattan," for example. A horrific movie, I don't debate that. He is the romantic lead, though, and I ask you this: How fucking hard is it to be more convincing than J. Lo in "Maid in Manhattan?" This guy didn't have a difficult task. He just had to act happy, and pretend to be in love with a hot chick packing a shapely arse.
He failed at both of these quests...MISERABLY.
This just comes back to the core reason...Ralph Fiennes is--I shit you not--a robot.
Robots = entirely incapable of conveying human emotion or even emulating the idea of it. He cannot act happy. He does not know what "love" is, what it means or even what it seems like. Not even for 4.5 million dollars, or whatever ridiculous sum he was paid to exist in that movie. But why would he even care? Money doesn't mean shit to robots.
Let's examine another movie. If any of you have ever seen "The Chumscrubber," well...I am really sorry about that. I had this same misfortune tonight myself, but I can't say it was a total waste of my time. This is due to the fact that Ralph Fiennes was more robotic than EVER BEFORE in this film. Never have I seen him act with such recklessly terrifying machine-esque control. I couldn't find any clips on Youtube of the scene that I crave in order to hammer my point home, so I will just describe it:
At one point, Fiennes steps out onto a patio in the home of a perfect stranger and walks slowly into her pool, fully clothed. He does this while looking straight ahead, without even the twitch of a smile, frown, or frankly, any hint that there is mortal breath contained in his "body." It's grotesque.
And what the hell is with this strange accent he exhibits in his entire canon of films? I thought he was from Austria or something, a la Governator Arnie, but upon further investigation, I found out that he is....English?! I don't fuckin' buy it, Fiennes. The pseudo-royal pedigree is just another construct of your creator's robot-obsessed imagination.
Oh, and while we're at it, did anybody read about his little real life tussle with Qantas Airlines? Apparently, he had sexual relations with a flight attendant in the plane bathroom, while flying to Africa for a UNICEF AIDS dealie. First of all, UNICEF, Ralph? Pretty cliche and overly respectable charity choice. Secondly, sex on airplane with a stewardess? Sounds like just the kind of played out bullshit a robot would invent to make people think it is human. I imagine it went something like this:
ROBOT FIENNES *Thinking*:
This will stump them. I will act as if I need sex. Because I am a silly human. Sex is a human need, therefore I will be perceived as indisputably human. MUAHAHA, they will never find me out!
The bottom line is that Ralph Fiennes is not just a robot, but also unintentionally hilarious. Here, we have a super-famous actor who has played lots of heady roles, whom many people are severely sexually attracted to, and he is actually a machine; entirely incapable of exhibiting human emotion in any convincing manner.
If you still can't see what I mean, check out this clip. You will really need to fast forward to about 48 seconds in, which he descends from the stairs to the stage. Take a look at his stance and his walk. Totally electronic, right? That's not even the best part. Once he takes a seat at about 55 seconds in, check out the fuckin' WEIRD shit he does with his neck. He turns his head WAY too quickly--two times--and you can practically hear the gears turning as he operates. At this magic moment, he is a rock 'em sock 'em robot with a mechanical malfunction.
1 comment:
I completely agree w/ your Ralph Fiennes argument. I once saw him perform as Marc Antony on stage, and aside from being way too old, he just came off as creepy. When he said "And Brutus is an honorable man," he just sounded bored and totally w/out sarcasm.
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