It's more than simply a breath of "fresh" air. It's the beautiful breath that doesn't catch in my lungs, unlike the frigid dagger of an icicle mother nature attempts to pawn off as laborious "breathing" in January temps.
There is so much more to love about Spring than just the temperature, though. It's all of the fun and hilarious hijinks that result from people coming out of hibernation.
Hence, the list:
Tell-Tale Signs of Spring:
1. Motorists Pumping Shamefully Horrible Music.
Is it just me, or do 50 degree temperatures practically DICTATE that everyone has to roll their car windows down and BLAST the shit out of horrible hip hop music the instant their car slows to a near stop? I noticed this while walking to Stewart's to cash a scratch-off today (I know, who's really the white trash here? No car, walking to Stewart's, lottery ticket...I'm basically scum.) Every single man, woman and child that drove by me, regardless as to whether they were driving a GMC pickup or a Mercedes S Class, seemed to be listening to fucking DMX at the traffic light!
"Y'all gon' make me lose my mind, up in HERE, up in here!
Y'all gon' make me act a FOOL up in HERE, up in here!"
Seriously, dude...You drive a Benz, and you can't afford to purchase (or for that matter, download) some music that is...Perhaps a little bit more up to date?! Or, maybe you guys just like listening to a depressingly irritating guy with three initials instead of a name, who feels he has to scream at the top of his fucking lungs instead of, I don't know--rapping, or god forbid--SINGING?
I'm gon' act a motherfreakin' fool up in here if I have to hear that one more time.
The best part of this was that it wasn't even sunny out today for 45 seconds. I can understanding losing your shit for a little while when the sun's out, when it dawns on you that our 6 month run of winter could be finally be crawling to a halt. That would make many a sane human break out the Ja Rule/DMX. But for REAL? It was a whopping 50 degrees out, and cloudy with a chance of bullshit. At least the weathermen were right about something for a change. The bullshit.
2. Sandals, shorts and...tube tops?!
What the hell. I have been made to face the fact that some SUNY Albany students just can't bear to replace their cargo shorts with some reasonable pants during the Nor'Easter months, but sandals AND shorts on March 12? That's pushing it. Sorry dude, I know you're already drunk in anticipation of tomorrow's St. Patrick's Day parade, but you're not in Daytona for break quite yet. Oh, and ladies? The terrycloth skirts with tube tops? I know you were looking to get taken advantage of this weekend, but it's no fun spending Saturday festivities dead in a ditch with your skirt pulled over your shoulders since Friday night. Not so hot.
3. Cadbury Creme Eggs; All Easter Candy For That Matter.
Yeah, I'm not being sarcastic about this one. There's nothing snarky to say here, I just love the yum-yums. And once they appear on the scene at CVS or the supermarket, you know Spring is waiting for you around the corner--snuggled into a cute purple basket with some plastic-y green "grass." Tasty and adorable.
I'm a Jew, so I don't really do the Jesus-related Easter stuff. However, I've gotta admit, Cadbury Creme Eggs beat the crap out of Gifilte fish, which just doesn't look cute (floating around in glass jars like the turds of terminally ill men.) There's nothing cute and festive about Gifilte fish. Or the feces of the dying.
4. PLANTS!
I'm a super-nerd when it comes to gardening and plants of all sorts. The other day, my dog sat on a pile of what I assumed to be dead leaves and other organic rubbish. Then, I spotted a tender green shoot poking out of the dirt, directly to the side of said dog's hiney.
Removing dog from detritus, I rushed like an EMT in order to revive the fragile seedling. Of course, there was nothing wrong with it. Except, well...Let me just dig out around this area to give it a little bit more space, and ah--yeahhh, we've really got to get that pile of dead roots out of here...
Twenty minutes later, my nails are caked with dirt, hands sliced to ribbons; I am awakened from my vegetation-induced trance to the sound of Tommy clearing his throat behind me.
"Uh....Are you ready to go yet?"
"Oh, um...Yep." [Thinking: Jesus! I wonder how long he's been standing there.]
5. Twitterpated.
Well, is it just me, or do people always seem...Well, hornier, when it starts to get warm out? Just checking.
6. Ice Cream Sales.
For months, Stewart's/Ben and Jerry's were seemingly barren waste lands, devoid of any dairy-sweets seeking customers for months. I could have sworn I even saw a sprinkles-covered tumbleweed roll through B&J's a while ago while riding the bus.
However, the temperature tops 45 and...BINGO! Huge line at Ben and Jerry's, Stewart's picnic tables suddenly chock full of retarded teenagers, slurping Peanut Butter Pandemonium and talking to each other about drivel in decibels that imply they're all hard of hearing. Good times.
7. Sandal and Bathing Suit Sales.
Yeah, I love sandals as much as the next (gay) guy. But bathing suits already?! WTF. Definitely not prepared for that shit yet. Give me until June to work off any potentially unsightly cottage cheese-butt, people. Not all of us are freakin' Gisele Budchen-esque in MARCH. Gawd!
Do you have a special tell-tale herald of Spring that you'd like to share? Please comment!
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