Does John Fogerty Have a Secret Love Child?

The other day I was listening to Creedence Clearwater Revival, simultaneously perusing pictures of the band from their early days. While doing this, I found a couple of pictures that reminded me how very strange John Fogerty looked in the late 60's and early 70's.

Here's an image to jog your memory, or give you an idea if you don't know who the hell John Fogerty is and don't know why you are even reading this post:

OK, we've got that covered.

Now, as I was studying the images, some details immediately struck me.

For instance, his ridiculous hair cut, which looks as if he paid a homeless person on crack cocaine one dollar to lob off his locks.

Another thing I recognized was the fact that he has a rather square-shaped face, and a nose reminiscent of a hawk's beak. Finally, I thought it strange that his eyes are almost always closed in photographs. This probably serves to convey a level of rock and roll ecstasy that mere mortals could never achieve or comprehend, but I have another theory: could it be that he doesn't keep them open due to poor eyesight?

Then, an epiphany hit me.

There's someone else in popular culture that looks a whole hell of a lot like John Fogerty. 

Let's take another look at him:

 

And then....Take a gander at this little gal down below:

Velma Dinkley, of Scooby Doo fame. 

Let's get a close-up of her face to explore the eerie similarities:

1) Strange and unnecessary bowl cut = CHECK.

2)  A face that veers toward an equilateral polygon = CHECK.

3) Completely worthless eyes that are practically just there for show...

CHECK.

So, let me know what you think, guys. Could Velma Dinkley be the mysterious love child of John Fogerty? If so, who might her mother be? If you have any tip-offs, send them to: jeezumcrowvintage@yahoo.com.

Marketing Campaign Fail...Hilarious Comedy Triumph

Stewart's Shops have always featured notoriously horrific advertising.

A few questions I have in regard to the website, in particular:

1) "If We Get Another Shot of Winter This Weekend...We Are There For You!"  Oh, shit...Does this mean that, since we DIDN'T get any more snow, they aren't going to be there for me? That sucks, because frankly I was considering popping down there within the hour for a MYO sundae. Somebody hold down that snowmobile cow so I can squeeze out a milkshake.



2) The "Superbowl Grazing" video: not much needs to be said to enhance this film's goodness, but was anyone else surprised at Flavor the Cow's voice? Yeah, I didn't think she was going to sound like a SUNY Albany slut, either!

3) Gasoline News Update: Well, thank GOD we have Stewart's-affiliated brainiacs working 'round the clock to get us our political news briefings. I mean, I don't know about you, but Stewart's is my go-to place for serious updates on international affairs. It's really too bad those "darn speculators" are ruining gas prices for all of us normal "folks"!

4) The speculators are at it again--this time they're meddling in my morning coffee?! Is there anything sacred that these anti-American fucknuggets aren't trying to destroy?

Stewart's....The only place where you can people watch, be entertained by wretchedly rendered copy and get a heaping Mint Cookie Crumble cone all in one shot.

Snow Hype Overkill

What's that you say? A large-ish snow storm...In February?! In the NORTHEAST?!

Apparently, a blizzard is now "deadly"!

A "MONSTER" of mythical proportions!"Snowpocalypse"? "SNOMG"? Are you f-ing serious?!

Everyone Has Officially Gone Batshit at the Weather Channel

Guys. I know most of us hate our lives and need to find a diversion to quell the  misery in Upstate New York, but seriously? How many times in the past decade has there been a snowfall of over 12" in a two-day period? I don't care if it was a multi-state storm, just think about it: We get at least this much snow once each winter, typically multiple times. It's not the end of the world. We are not going to die in a cold, wintry snow-nado/nami. I'm genuinely sorry to tell you this, but life will go on. Spring will soon come (according to the groundhog), and then there will be furious FLOODING. Summer may bring gargantuan T-STORMS. Fall will bring a flurry of leaves, and possibly MORE flooding. Then it will all start over again.

So for now, let's just enjoy the fact that most of us had a snow day from work and/or school today. You can take a walk outside at night and there isn't a soul around. In addition, the snow actually looks kind of...well, pretty, sparkling in the street lights. As far as the weather goes, we are all going to be just fine.