A couple of weeks ago, my pal Chantelle and I were trolling around Target. I just moved into a new apartment, and as such, was searching for some appropriate items to make my place inviting and home-y. A new bathroom rug was an important purchase on my list. It's not that I didn't have a bath mat already; it's just that it was a sickly, bloated-looking purplish pink hue, and it happened to look grotesque in the new bathing area.
My bathroom is now yellow, with white trim. This may be one of the many unfortunate side effects of possessing a vagina, but there is a large part of me that needs decor to "go with" its surroundings. A ghastly lavender-pink shower rug was certainly not going to do the trick in a yellow bathroom, LET ALONE with a cream and sage striped shower curtain. (Yep, I said fucking "cream and sage." Could I have said green and white? Yep, but I'm FANCY like that.) So, I did the thing that any self-respecting human with female reproductive organs would do: I sought an alternative.
Now, you are probably thinking: Cut to the chase, here...Did you get a white bath mat, or a yellow one? Or: I don't give a shit which color bath mat you chose! Well, then cease reading right now, because the plot thickens from here.
I didn't choose a yellow mat--I mean, what are the odds of picking up just the right shade of yellow without so much as a paint swatch? That's stuff and nonsense! Also, I know I could have gone with white, but have you SEEN how dirty white gets? My landlord comes in to fix the toilet with shit kickers on, simply riddled with cow feces. I'm not about to get a white bathroom rug so he can doodie all over it.
So in the end, I chose brown. I find it looks fantastic with most shades of yellow. it's basically a neutral, and nearly impossible to stain.
Stalking the aisles of Target, the elusive brown rug finally caught my eye. I saw the rich shag sticking out from the bottom shelf. Ahhh, here we go, I thought in delight. I grabbed it out; Chantelle nodded her approval. The rug was the perfect hue--a deep, chocolaty, earth color. I glanced at the tag, expecting it to say something like "Drizzled Cocoa" or "Rich Earthen Brown". Imagine my surprise when I see what it actually says:
WALRUS FUCKING BROWN?
"Sink your weary soles into the luxurious comfort of ...Walrus Brown."
"Nothing completes an elegant bathroom quite like the sensuousness of...Walrus Brown."
Yeah.
I know nothing makes me want to unwind and transcend the day's hardships more than the instantaneous nirvana that is Walrus Brown. I can enjoy a languid bath, an invigorating shower, or engage in some heated tusk wars.
...
Okay, okay...That shit ended up costing $9.99, and it looks pretty fly against my buttercup yellow walls. Not to mention the cream and sage shower cu--...Well; you get the idea.
My bathroom is now yellow, with white trim. This may be one of the many unfortunate side effects of possessing a vagina, but there is a large part of me that needs decor to "go with" its surroundings. A ghastly lavender-pink shower rug was certainly not going to do the trick in a yellow bathroom, LET ALONE with a cream and sage striped shower curtain. (Yep, I said fucking "cream and sage." Could I have said green and white? Yep, but I'm FANCY like that.) So, I did the thing that any self-respecting human with female reproductive organs would do: I sought an alternative.
Now, you are probably thinking: Cut to the chase, here...Did you get a white bath mat, or a yellow one? Or: I don't give a shit which color bath mat you chose! Well, then cease reading right now, because the plot thickens from here.
I didn't choose a yellow mat--I mean, what are the odds of picking up just the right shade of yellow without so much as a paint swatch? That's stuff and nonsense! Also, I know I could have gone with white, but have you SEEN how dirty white gets? My landlord comes in to fix the toilet with shit kickers on, simply riddled with cow feces. I'm not about to get a white bathroom rug so he can doodie all over it.
So in the end, I chose brown. I find it looks fantastic with most shades of yellow. it's basically a neutral, and nearly impossible to stain.
Stalking the aisles of Target, the elusive brown rug finally caught my eye. I saw the rich shag sticking out from the bottom shelf. Ahhh, here we go, I thought in delight. I grabbed it out; Chantelle nodded her approval. The rug was the perfect hue--a deep, chocolaty, earth color. I glanced at the tag, expecting it to say something like "Drizzled Cocoa" or "Rich Earthen Brown". Imagine my surprise when I see what it actually says:
WALRUS FUCKING BROWN?
"Sink your weary soles into the luxurious comfort of ...Walrus Brown."
"Nothing completes an elegant bathroom quite like the sensuousness of...Walrus Brown."
Yeah.
I know nothing makes me want to unwind and transcend the day's hardships more than the instantaneous nirvana that is Walrus Brown. I can enjoy a languid bath, an invigorating shower, or engage in some heated tusk wars.
...
Okay, okay...That shit ended up costing $9.99, and it looks pretty fly against my buttercup yellow walls. Not to mention the cream and sage shower cu--...Well; you get the idea.
5 comments:
I heard your bedroom color is Fecal Brown. Rename them both Beaver Brown. I think that's a winning homage to your lady parts.
Shannon,
You are absolutely right. Honestly, I am really glad that you mentioned this as a comment on the blog. I wanted to somehow tie that in, but couldn't think of a way to do so. You've done that for me--and quite well, I might add. Thanks! :o)
HA- Jess, I've been in a DIY apartment revamp mood for about two weeks now- I JUST finished spray painting some baskets for the bathroom a lovely expresso brown- but I think I will rename it walrus brown because of elegance it exudes. Also, on that note- I remember well your fondness of walrus'- shall I mention your favorite from the "Walrus and the Carpenter" I believe your exact words were " He at all the oysters- what a fucking chump" :) I love you so!
As an artist I must say I was greatly amused by the many wonderful descriptive color terms in this post. I'm so happy you love you walrus brown bath mat.
Thanks, Ducky! I felt it was entirely necessary to describe the colors thoroughly in order to paint an accurate picture of what I was feeling and seeing at the time. :o) Can't wait to see some more photography from you, especially once you're in Colorado!
Post a Comment