8 Reasons Why Homeless (or Aspiring Homeless) Folks Need Gym Memberships

So, the other day after I got fired from a job that I was told I was never really hired for, I was walking to the gym. I started thinking about how silly it was, having a gym membership and all when I could barely even pay my bills. But then, I started giving it some thought: despite its seeming frivolity, the gym actually provides a lot in the way of amenities and entertainment--aside from the obvious benefit of exercise. It kind of dawned on me, after a few minutes of deep pondering, that perhaps the gym is really the most valuable membership that a person could have. I would go so far even as to venture that all homeless people should gather enough cans per month to pay the $10 Planet Fitness membership fee. The following are 8 reasons why you honestly need the gym, even when you are basically living off cat food and sleeping in a cardboard box:

1) Unlimited TV watching. Yep, the gym has cable. Maybe not HBO and the good movie channels (at least mine doesn't have these) but hey--many places will even allow you to change the channel! You say your favorite show is on Tuesdays at 9? No problem! Just pencil yourself in for some stationary bike ride-age each week at that time. While you're at it, you can even be sure to catch Family Guy, Jersey Shore, or whatever other show floats your boat. Exercise at the same time? Score!

2)Free showers. Well, this takes care of a huge obstacle--cleanliness. You can wash up every single time you go to the gym, and if you use the back door, you could probably just shower and leave if you aren't in the mood to pump iron. Did I mention there are hairdryers in the locker rooms?!

3)Unlimited candy. Our gym has two food groups covered for you, if cat food gets old or you run out. Who wants TOOTSIE ROLLS and M&Ms?! The tootsies are free, while you need a mere 25 cents for a handful of delicious chocolate-covered peanut morsels. Not only that, but two days per month there are free meals, in the form of a bagel breakfast and pizza dinner! Seriously, what more could you need?

4) Unlimited drinking water. Delicious, rich suburban water fountain with ice cold H2O? Yes, please!

5) Socializing. There are lots of people of all ages to choose from, and they're basically a captive audience. Heck, an old foreign man may even offer to let you towel off his hairy back...BONUS!

6) Music--it's not always choice, but there's often something motivational playing over the loudspeaker. If you stay long enough, you may even be lucky enough to hear the off-hand oldies tune.

7) Free bottles/cans--so many people sweating, drinking shit tons of water and sports beverages. And, did you hear about the new NYS law that makes water bottles eligible for a monetary refund? OH yeah!

8) The lost and found box. How much better does life get? Are you feeling chilly? Simply reach into the lost and found box to "claim" yourself two mismatched mittens. Need to hawk something at the pawn shop for a little spending (read: crack) cash? That "#1 Mom" heart necklace done in 18K gold with diamond chips for each child would probably fetch at least $50 down the street.