Gym Fag

So, it seems I've turned into a total douche muffin since I've been going to the gym. (A whole week, WOOHOO!!)
See below to understand what I mean.

Scene: I yell at my Mom in what seems like a ‘roid-fueled fury.   She hasn’t eaten dinner yet and is ready to leave Planet Fitness after a healthy forty-minute workout. 

“Are you KIDDING ME?” I sputter, eyeball popping out of my head, utilizing thigh trainer. 

 “But we just got here—I haven’t even done my back, the second ab machine, my glutes...”

She glares at me. “I haven’t even eaten dinner yet, Jess.  I’m starving.” 

The teeny-boppers at the next machine over start to stare at us.

“Mom, how the fuck do you ever expect to lose weight if you’re just going to work one body part like...once a week?! I bellow. “This is fucking bullshit--I don’t ever want to hear you say that you’re fat again.”  I notice more people are looking at us. My mom shifts her weight from one leg to the other, pivots around and starts toward the back strengthening machine.

“OK FINE, I murmur.  "Just let me do glutes and then we’ll go.” I roll my eyes, spraying down the seat.

Exhibit B)

Scene: I got home from the gym and—naturally—felt that I needed a little snack after all that hard work.  (I definitely just imagined myself saying that in Garfield the Cat’s voice, with my head on his body.) So, I reached into the freezer for the Stewart’s Piece of Cake Ice Cream Box.  (Were you all aware they carry that shit in half gallons now?!)

I feel a pang of guilt and glance at the nutritional information on the side of the box. 

“170 calories for half a cup,” I whine to Tommy, chucking the ice cream back into the freezer. 

 “I guess I shouldn’t eat this.” 

Then, I open the fridge and took a look at the yogurt container.  It perks me up a bit.

“This isn’t so bad,” I say.  “130 calories, and you get a whole cup!” 

 I imagined myself choking down plain, fat-free yogurt, and referring to it later as, “my dessert.” The thought kind of make me want to hang myself from the bathroom showerhead. 

“Jesus F. Christ,” I mutter, grabbing a jar of Nutella and a banana.  “Two tablespoons, TWO HUNDRED CALORIES?!” I leave the Nutella on the counter to flop on the couch and sulk.

Yes folks, this is what my life's been reduced to.

FIN.

Awesome Person of the Day

I would just like to take a little time out to pay tribute, in a new category of blogging I've created that I will entitle, "Awesome Person of the Day." 

Today, Awesome Person of the Day is a Stewart's Customer...Well, maybe not a "customer," but a "frequenter."  She is a middle aged lady with designer glasses, an expensive-looking long winter coat and sensible square-heeled pumps.  This woman looked like a typical upper-middle aged woman.  She pulled into the parking lot in a new Chevrolet sedan which was pretty nice, but not flashy.  Tommy got out of the car to put air in his tires and tried to let her pass by him, but instead of walking toward the entrance, she hung a "louie" and scurried behind the store. 

Completely intrigued, I kept my eyes on her, under the covert guise of shades.  She proceeded to kneel down by a huge pile of trash bags and deftly sift through the discards.  In a matter of a ninety seconds, Sensible Square Heels had nabbed herself a package of English muffins, what appeared to be a box of donuts, and a few loaves of bread.  Then, she hurried back to her car and took off. 

I have to admit, my first reaction was "Whoa, crazy lady...What the fuck is you doin'?" But then, when I saw the treasures she exhumed from a trash-destined grave, I was in complete awe of her chutzpah.  Sensible Square Heels, with her new jacket and expensive accessories, really didn't give a shit! She knew that there were tasty treats in the garbage behind Stewarts, and with witnesses, she just went balls to the wall and tore those shits apart.  I have to respect someone who; 1) Thwarts stereotypes. 2) Picks through the trash (which I would do way more, if I wasn't so 'tardedly self-conscious and worried about what others think of me!) 3) Strategically locates awesome stuff in the trash that dumb asses are paying for, only a mere 20 yards away!(By the way, I love that the spell check just highlighted that and suggested other grammatically correct ways of typing "dumb asses.")

So anyway, Sensible Square Heels, I salute you! And anyone else that gives so little of a shit of what people think of them that they will plumb the depths of garbage-bound goodness.  YOU ROCK!

Post Script: Suggestion for "Awesome Person of the Day" of yesterday.  

I was in Capital Costumes yet again (I can't keep away!) and ran into this skinny black guy that reeked of pee-pee.  I mean, he REALLY reeked--the entire store smelled, and it is a giant store.  Even after he left, eau de piss was still detectable.  That in and of itself wouldn't have been enough to make him Awesome Person of the Day.  What really did it for me was his wardrobe.  He was wearing the most kickass black sequined blazer with puffy sleeves. It looked pretty Michael Jackson-esque.  He had a really sweet, colorful t-shirt on underneath, and maybe a hooded sweatshirt over that. My memory is failing, but I think he had on some really amazing sneakers and black 80's jeans. (You know, the ones with the flat butt and puffy thighs?) Oh, and some cool sunglasses. Without a hint of sarcasm,  it is my belief that he looked seriously awesome in this outfit.  

Homeless M.J. sauntered over to the $5/Buy One Get One Free rack, (great deal, right?!)  and picked out a ton of radical clothes.  He was carrying scads of plastic bags with him, and it kind of hit me that this guy probably didn't have a lot of disposable income.  But here he was, spending the last $5 he could muster on FASHION!  He couldn't get a proper shower, but by god, he was going to stay hip.  Truly, Homeless M.J. is a man after my own heart.

Gypsies

Ever since I was small, I have been obsessed with gypsies and their culture.  I have always felt a kinship with Roma (gypsy) people; maybe due in part to some of the myths or half-truths the mention of gypsies seem to conjure up. Either way, the books that I have read, movies that I have seen and especially the photographs I've enjoyed have always inspired me in a profound way.

Things I like about gypsies/gypsy myth:

1) I find that I have a hard time staying in one place for long, so I guess I identify with any sort of nomadic people.  The idea of having your friends/family and home with you, whether it be a traditional caravan or portable tent-like set-up, appeals to me.  I don't like the idea of having a home that could be foreclosed upon, flooded or destroyed in some way.  The portability of nomadic life seems to remedy this, mostly. 

2) Eschewing traditional employment.  I know that gypsies have often carried a reputation of being thieves and tricksters, but I think that is probably racist and unfair just as any other stereotypes would be.  I have a difficult time with traditional employment, myself, and I sometimes wonder if it is because I'm descended from a culture of tribal peoples who bartered or lived in a communal setting with shared responsibility.  Work like cooking, cleaning, sewing and gardening make me a lot more fulfilled than laboring in a capitalism-based customer service setting. I'm not saying it's right or wrong, just that it doesn't feel right for me. I have a lot of respect for peoples who live tribally/communally still, and survive this way.  I think some variation of this is the natural, healthy way for humans.

3) I love to sing and listen to/make music, and to dance!  Gypsies pretty much rock at all of these things.  I saw a really great documentary called "Gadjo Dilo" that is mostly about the music and cultural traditions of gypsies around the world.  It's basically my favorite documentary ever.

4) Gypsy fashion.  The mismatched patterns, rainbow array of colors, gold and silver jewelry, scarves.  I want to dress like this everyday, and I wish everyone else would, too!  It's not even just the clothes, though--it's the infusion of color and spirit into every part of one's environment, even and especially with access to little money.  I think that there is quite a lot of grace in living this way:  Simply, colorfully, and with whimsy. 

Here is one of my favorite photo collections in the world to show you guys what I mean.  It is all images of the Roma People.  The pictures are by Joakim Eskildsen, an amazing photographer! I hope you love this as much as I do.

Inspirational Photos to Brighten Your Evening

Roasted Butternut Squash & Orzo Soup Recipe

For a change of pace, I thought I would give you guys a tasty recipe.  Originally, I cut the instructions for "Roasted Butternut Squash Soup" from an issue of (now defunct) Jane Magazine. Although I liked the recipe as it was, I felt like it needed something more to make a filling dinner.  Enter sauteed onions + garlic, a handful of Orzo pasta, and you've got yourself some warm winter gourmet shit!

Note: for the vegetarians/vegans out there, feel free to use a milk/cream substitute and vegetable broth instead of chicken broth--please let me know how it comes out! :o)

                   Roasted Butternut Squash & Orzo Soup Recipe


Ingredients:

1 two pound butternut squash, seeded (I like to slice it down the middle, roasting it in two pieces)
4 fresh sage leaves, chopped
1 cup milk (or milk substitute)
2 cups chicken broth (or vegetable broth)
1/2 cup orzo pasta
1 minced garlic clove
2 tablespoons butter
1/2 cup chopped white onion
Dollop of sour cream (optional)
salt, nutmeg and pepper (optional, as much as you want)


Directions:

At 375 degrees, roast squash for one hour.  Once squash is done (when it's tender and fragrant) remove outside peel.  Set aside.

Cook orzo for 8-10 minutes, or until al dente.  Drain and set aside.

Melt butter in large pot, sauté garlic and onions for about 5 minutes.

Puree cooked squash in blender with the sage, milk and broth.  Add sour cream, salt, nutmeg and pepper to taste.

Pour blended squash mixture into sauté pot, stirring to incorporate with onions/garlic.  Simmer on low for a few minutes, until substantially warmed.  Add orzo.

Enjoy! :o)