Ode to Lawn Guyland

Long Island. 


It's not so much a place as it is a state of mind.  Although it is often reviled for being tasteless, overpopulated and obnoxious, I have to give it credit where credit is due.  Honestly, this little string of shit hanging off New York's asshole has a lot of character.  And I say that with love--I'm not just an ornery Upstater who has only dealt with Long Islanders second hand, in the form of steroid-pumped SUNY going Guidos...No.  I was actually born in this fair land, and both of my parents are of Long Island-ese descent.  
I went with my mom to visit some of her friends from way back in the day, and I have to say I was reminded of some of the downright charming aspects of New York's boner.  


Top Awesome Things About Long Island (as usual, no particular order):


1) The Almost Universal Gaudiness. (Rampant materialism without discriminating taste.)
I mean, seriously--I found a gargantuan oil painting on the side of the road that looked like it was done in imitation of Sear's artwork. Yes, I am serious--it was so bad, it couldn't have even been actual Sears art.  The artist had to be the kind of derranged fuck who psychotically LOVED Sears decor, so much that he or she had to  try and recreate its legendary cheesiness.  To top it off, this gem was four feet by 6 feet, surrounded by a patterned gold frame.  And don't even get me started about the McMansions, omnipresent Baby Phat velour sweatsuits, or the Liberace-esque gold baubles draped over every man, woman, and Catholic child's pierced ears.  It's basically the most amazing thing ever. 


2)  The Italian Specialty Stores and Delis
Although the asthetic taste of some Long Islanders may leave something to be desired (like blindness, for example) their culinary taste is the exact opposite.  The things that come out of Long Island delis and Italian specialty stores are nothing less than magical.  If you've never had the pleasure of setting foot inside one of these fine establishments, just imagine this: A store within a strip mall, packed with fresh, colorful veggies and fruits, rows upon rows of exotic olive oils, and a trillion different kinds of cheese.  And that's just in the first few aisles.  Go to the back for a full deli with trays of fragrant basil, mozzarella and tomato salad, antipasto, and smoked meats lined up as if the food were a Tiffany's diamond showcase.  Throw in the fresh bread and rows of homemade desserts and you may as well throw your Buns of Steel video out of a speeding car on the Long Island Expressway. Which brings us to #3, speak of the devil...


3) The LIE and basically all driving on Long Island
Honestly.  You people who grew up and learned to DRIVE on Long Island, I applaud you.  The only thing that seems scarier than this is learning to drive in Manhattan.  Except for the fact that, oh--if you grew up in Manhattan, you probably never NEEDED TO LEARN HOW TO DRIVE.  Because of subways, taxis, and uh...walking.  Between the numerous exits clustered within 1.67 feet of each other, on-ramps that would give ample space only to merging matchbox car traffic, and the narrow lanes flanked by huge walls--you will certainly perish in a Die Hard-style fire ball if you even THINK about looking down to text while driving.  Not to mention that just about everyone drives a Mercedes SUV as if it were a small, but unnecessarily speedy tank. The only thing that grants a reprieve to L.I. driving is...


4) The H.O.V. Lane.  Aka: "High Occupancy Vehicle."  Basically, there is an extra lane for people who have three or more people in the car.  It's a free pass for carpoolers to go fast.  The H.O.V. lane would be great, except Long Islanders don't seem to understand that driving a BMW Boxster containing only themselves and their Labradoodle does not count as either "carpooling" or "high occupancy."  


5)  The Long Islanders' Family History
Is it just my family and everyone else I know, or did every single Long Island native's life happen as follows: A) Family of immigrants (or 2nd generation immigrants) moved from Bronx/Brooklyn/Queens to Long Island for cheap land and $19,000 ranch-style house in 1950's.  B) Family acclimates to suburbs, children ride bikes and go to school, become obsessed with The Beatles.  C) Children become hippies and rockers, rebelling against the suburban affluence and monotony of parents.  They forgo proms, start bands, and do copious amounts of drugs.  D) Later they have kids (Generations X and Y, namely: me) and brag about how they hid in a broom closet to see both Jethro Tull and Black Sabbath in one night while on acid.  Jesus H. Christ! The teen years just ain't what they were for Long Islanders!


6)  The High Ratio of Cigarette Smokers to Rest of NY population
Is it just me, or did pretty much ALL Long Islanders smoke at one time in their lives?  How many of them do you know that are "cutting down" or " trying to quit?"  Ask them when they started smoking--I find the median age seems to be around 10 1/2.  This vice probably has something to do with the cultivation of...


7) The Unmistakable Long Island Voice
Oh yeah...you KNOW what I'm talking about.  First of all, it's loud.  REALLY loud.  And heavily accented.  If you aren't familiar with this voice (and if you're from New York State, you must live under a rock if you haven't heard it) I will give you a "legend" of sorts to decode the language.  Rule #1: All 'r's at the end of words will be automatically changed to 'a's.  As in: "Rolla Derby," rather than "roller derby." Rule #2:  All a's at the end of words are changed to r's.  For example: If your name is "Jessica" as mine is, your Long Island parents will refer to you as, "Jessiker."  Rule #3: If you have a word that someone would say as an "ahhhh," it will be changed to "aw."  For instance: the word "ball" is pronounced "bawl," and "talk" is spoken like "tawk."  
Have fun practicing with these unique linguistic wonders.


8)  Omnipresence of "The City"


It's only about an hour away from the furthest point of Long Island, and it can be as close as 5 minutes from some Nassau County locales.  Long Islanders constantly talk about The City.  It is a behemoth that rules all life within 50 miles of its boundaries.  Honestly, I still get kind of excited with people constantly discussing it.  Ohhhh, by the way--don't EVER refer to any other metropolis as "The City" in earshot of a Long Islander.  There's a good chance you will be in the center of a brawl within seconds of the unfortunate comment. 


9) The Beaches


Hands down, the best virtue of Long Island.  Robert Moses, Sunken Meadow, Jones Beach, The Hamptons...They are all wonderful in their own way.  The sand is soft, shells are plentiful, and the seawater is very pleasant on a summer day. You can walk down the shore for a long time and find pieces of smooth wampum.  The thought of Northeastern Native Americans using these shells as currency blows my mind!  All you'd have to do is have the patience to collect a sizable cache, and you could trade it for any survival necessities. These are the cosmic things that enter my mind walking along  Long Island beaches.  The beach also conjures up my earliest memories--screaming with glee, hobbling to the sparkling ocean as far as my baby legs would carry me in the sand. 


It's the little things that make a place truly great.  My hat is off to you, Long Island!