Jessicana: Nature is a (Goth) Whore.

Thursday, March 21, 2013

Nature is a (Goth) Whore.

Some people might think that gardening is an old lady hobby or more eloquently stated, "for pussies."

Well, I'm going to have to go ahead and say that's wrong...Dead wrong.

I've done a lot of toiling around in the dirt, and let me tell you, there is nothing pussyish or old ladylike about having soil smeared all over your arms, face, legs and hands, or stabbing into the ground repeatedly with an ice pick-like tool, trying to sever through the roots of a stubborn dandelion.

There's something decidedly serial killer-ish about ripping a flower out of the ground in one spot, only to transplant it elsewhere. Or driving around in a red truck with large, peculiarly shaped lumps of organic rubbish hidden beneath a black tarp.

Reminds me a bit of murderers disfiguring/transporting bodies and then keeping them in their freezer or the shed out back as a little momento of their handiwork.

Also, when it's 96 degrees out, you're pushing a wheel barrow full of mulch uphill and your clothing is drenched in sweat and filth, it's not a far cry from (what I'd imagine) being in a mosh pit is like.

I'd do a windmill or two during this cathartic, soul-ripping task, but I don't want to hack myself in the back of the head with the three-pronged killing trowel or accidentally saw off my own leg with the electric hedge trimmer.

To wrap up my case, I'd like to present you with what I believe to be.....

The Top Seven Most Metal Plant Varieties:

1. Bloody Butcher (varieties of both tomato and corn).