The Nuances of Interior Decoration

A couple of weeks ago, my pal Chantelle and I were trolling around Target. I just moved into a new apartment, and as such, was searching for some appropriate items to make my place inviting and home-y. A new bathroom rug was an important purchase on my list. It's not that I didn't have a bath mat already; it's just that it was a sickly, bloated-looking purplish pink hue, and it happened to look grotesque in the new bathing area.

My bathroom is now yellow, with white trim. This may be one of the many unfortunate side effects of possessing a vagina, but there is a large part of me that needs decor to "go with" its surroundings. A ghastly lavender-pink shower rug was certainly not going to do the trick in a yellow bathroom, LET ALONE with a cream and sage striped shower curtain. (Yep, I said fucking "cream and sage." Could I have said green and white? Yep, but I'm FANCY like that.) So, I did the thing that any self-respecting human with female reproductive organs would do: I sought an alternative.

Now, you are probably thinking: Cut to the chase, here...Did you get a white bath mat, or a yellow one? Or: I don't give a shit which color bath mat you chose! Well, then cease reading right now, because the plot thickens from here.

I didn't choose a yellow mat--I mean, what are the odds of picking up just the right shade of yellow without so much as a paint swatch? That's stuff and nonsense! Also, I know I could have gone with white, but have you SEEN how dirty white gets? My landlord comes in to fix the toilet with shit kickers on, simply riddled with cow feces. I'm not about to get a white bathroom rug so he can doodie all over it.

So in the end, I chose brown. I find it looks fantastic with most shades of yellow. it's basically a neutral, and nearly impossible to stain.

Stalking the aisles of Target, the elusive brown rug finally caught my eye. I saw the rich shag sticking out from the bottom shelf. Ahhh, here we go, I thought in delight. I grabbed it out; Chantelle nodded her approval. The rug was the perfect hue--a deep, chocolaty, earth color. I glanced at the tag, expecting it to say something like "Drizzled Cocoa" or "Rich Earthen Brown". Imagine my surprise when I see what it actually says:

WALRUS FUCKING BROWN?

"Sink your weary soles into the luxurious comfort of ...Walrus Brown."

"Nothing completes an elegant bathroom quite like the sensuousness of...Walrus Brown."

Yeah.

I know nothing makes me want to unwind and transcend the day's hardships more than the instantaneous nirvana that is Walrus Brown. I can enjoy a languid bath, an invigorating shower, or engage in some heated tusk wars.

...

Okay, okay...That shit ended up costing $9.99, and it looks pretty fly against my buttercup yellow walls. Not to mention the cream and sage shower cu--...Well; you get the idea.

Does John Fogerty Have a Secret Love Child?

The other day I was listening to Creedence Clearwater Revival, simultaneously perusing pictures of the band from their early days. While doing this, I found a couple of pictures that reminded me how very strange John Fogerty looked in the late 60's and early 70's.

Here's an image to jog your memory, or give you an idea if you don't know who the hell John Fogerty is and don't know why you are even reading this post:

OK, we've got that covered.

Now, as I was studying the images, some details immediately struck me.

For instance, his ridiculous hair cut, which looks as if he paid a homeless person on crack cocaine one dollar to lob off his locks.

Another thing I recognized was the fact that he has a rather square-shaped face, and a nose reminiscent of a hawk's beak. Finally, I thought it strange that his eyes are almost always closed in photographs. This probably serves to convey a level of rock and roll ecstasy that mere mortals could never achieve or comprehend, but I have another theory: could it be that he doesn't keep them open due to poor eyesight?

Then, an epiphany hit me.

There's someone else in popular culture that looks a whole hell of a lot like John Fogerty. 

Let's take another look at him:

 

And then....Take a gander at this little gal down below:

Velma Dinkley, of Scooby Doo fame. 

Let's get a close-up of her face to explore the eerie similarities:

1) Strange and unnecessary bowl cut = CHECK.

2)  A face that veers toward an equilateral polygon = CHECK.

3) Completely worthless eyes that are practically just there for show...

CHECK.

So, let me know what you think, guys. Could Velma Dinkley be the mysterious love child of John Fogerty? If so, who might her mother be? If you have any tip-offs, send them to: jeezumcrowvintage@yahoo.com.

Marketing Campaign Fail...Hilarious Comedy Triumph

Stewart's Shops have always featured notoriously horrific advertising.

A few questions I have in regard to the website, in particular:

1) "If We Get Another Shot of Winter This Weekend...We Are There For You!"  Oh, shit...Does this mean that, since we DIDN'T get any more snow, they aren't going to be there for me? That sucks, because frankly I was considering popping down there within the hour for a MYO sundae. Somebody hold down that snowmobile cow so I can squeeze out a milkshake.



2) The "Superbowl Grazing" video: not much needs to be said to enhance this film's goodness, but was anyone else surprised at Flavor the Cow's voice? Yeah, I didn't think she was going to sound like a SUNY Albany slut, either!

3) Gasoline News Update: Well, thank GOD we have Stewart's-affiliated brainiacs working 'round the clock to get us our political news briefings. I mean, I don't know about you, but Stewart's is my go-to place for serious updates on international affairs. It's really too bad those "darn speculators" are ruining gas prices for all of us normal "folks"!

4) The speculators are at it again--this time they're meddling in my morning coffee?! Is there anything sacred that these anti-American fucknuggets aren't trying to destroy?

Stewart's....The only place where you can people watch, be entertained by wretchedly rendered copy and get a heaping Mint Cookie Crumble cone all in one shot.

Snow Hype Overkill

What's that you say? A large-ish snow storm...In February?! In the NORTHEAST?!

Apparently, a blizzard is now "deadly"!

A "MONSTER" of mythical proportions!"Snowpocalypse"? "SNOMG"? Are you f-ing serious?!

Everyone Has Officially Gone Batshit at the Weather Channel

Guys. I know most of us hate our lives and need to find a diversion to quell the  misery in Upstate New York, but seriously? How many times in the past decade has there been a snowfall of over 12" in a two-day period? I don't care if it was a multi-state storm, just think about it: We get at least this much snow once each winter, typically multiple times. It's not the end of the world. We are not going to die in a cold, wintry snow-nado/nami. I'm genuinely sorry to tell you this, but life will go on. Spring will soon come (according to the groundhog), and then there will be furious FLOODING. Summer may bring gargantuan T-STORMS. Fall will bring a flurry of leaves, and possibly MORE flooding. Then it will all start over again.

So for now, let's just enjoy the fact that most of us had a snow day from work and/or school today. You can take a walk outside at night and there isn't a soul around. In addition, the snow actually looks kind of...well, pretty, sparkling in the street lights. As far as the weather goes, we are all going to be just fine.

Rotten Egg

In my humble opinion, this video represents everything that is wrong with music right now:



1) Emotionless lyrics in both topic and melody. (Attention: Hipster nonsense!)

2) Ridiculous costumes without any overarching theme. I'm not usually against costumes for the most part, but doesn't it seem like these "musicians" are having little to no fun at all, despite the costumes? (Hipster nonsense.)

3) Even more retarded dance moves--once again, emotionless, not conveying any story or worthwhile artistic aim. (Hipster nonsense.)

4) A myriad of noise that doesn't seem to logically mesh in any way. Eg: horn section, keyboards, 12 year old Asian clarinet player. (Hipster...)

5) A really talented female artist (Nedelle Torrisi of Cryptacize) marginalized by being delegated to crappy background vocals. It doesn't help that she's wearing a short, somewhat sexualized dress. (The Entire World As We Know It.)

Let me know what you guys think, especially if you disagree. For some reason this video made me feel as if I smelled a horrible fart and found out that there is no Santa Clause all at the same time...

Helping of Engrish Just in Time for Supper

OK, I know "Jessica" is quite the uncommon name and all, but...seriously?

Well, they can call me whatever they want. The Crazy Couple roll is worth it!

Hopefully Larry the Cable Guy Didn't Beat Me to Most of These...

I feel like the topic of White Trash never gets old.
I've been around these people my entire life. Some of whom are my dearest friends, neighbors, and hell--there's probably more than a bit of WT in my own heart and soul, too, having grown up in the country.
Here are some well-thought out symptoms of white trashiness that I jotted down tonight, with the assistance of someone who happened to be dipping his leftover pizza crusts in ketchup. Let's just say I was inspired.

Enjoy!

You Are Almost Definitely White Trash If:


1) You keep Christmas lights up all year long...Especially outside the house on the roof or porch.

2)You eat ketchup on everything. Especially things that should never, ever be paired with ketchup. Such as pizza.

3) There is any liquid other than milk in your baby's bottle. Extra points if the liquid is cola or Hi-C.

4)You proudly display pictures of your vehicle(s) on Facebook or Myspace. Not just cars, but also (and specifically) ride-on mowers and farm equipment.

5)Kraft singles are your favorite kind of cheese. You will not eat cheese unless it comes individually plastic-wrapped in slices, and you are over the age of ten.

6)You won't spend 75 cents on a head of lettuce for salad with dinner, but you will pay an extra dollar to secure Pepsi or Coke over a generic brand cola.

7)When you get too fat for your underwear, you cut a slit in the elastic waistband, rather than buying new ones that fit properly.

8)Pizza Rolls are a common and complete supper at your home. You buy them in bags of, like...200.

9)The above ground pool at your house stops being used as a pool, and slowly becomes more of a pond, complete with algae and amphibians. Eventually, aquatic plants take root as well.

10)You are 17 and 6'1, but still ride a BMX bike designed for a seven year old. Instead of sitting to pedal, you stand and coast as often as possible to look cooler on the Lilliputian bike.

11) Your pick up's tailgate is made from a different material than your truck. Such as plastic cargo netting or a 2x4.

12)Peeing outside in the daytime without any attempt at modest concealment. Or, you tend to urinate into inappropriate receptacles. (Example: plastic cup.)

13)Your home contains a CB radio or scanner, but you are not an EMT or volunteer firefighter...You just want to know what's going on in town before everyone else does.

14) The aforementioned ride-on lawn mower has a cup holder that you personally added on, post-purchase.