Nature is a (Goth) Whore.

 Some people might think that gardening is an old lady hobby or more eloquently stated, "for pussies."

Well, I'm going to have to go ahead and say that's wrong...Dead wrong.

I've done a lot of toiling around in the dirt, and let me tell you, there is nothing pussyish or old ladylike about having soil smeared all over your arms, face, legs and hands, or stabbing into the ground repeatedly with an ice pick-like tool, trying to sever through the roots of a stubborn dandelion.

There's something decidedly serial killer-ish about ripping a flower out of the ground in one spot, only to transplant it elsewhere. Or driving around in a red truck with large, peculiarly shaped lumps of organic rubbish hidden beneath a black tarp.

Reminds me a bit of  murderers disfiguring/transporting bodies and then keeping them in their freezer or the shed out back as a little momento of their handiwork.

Also, when it's 96 degrees out, you're pushing a wheel barrow full of mulch uphill and your clothing is drenched in sweat and filth, it's not a far cry from (what I'd imagine) being in a mosh pit is like.

I'd do a windmill or two during this cathartic, soul-ripping task, but I don't want to hack myself in the back of the head with the three-pronged killing trowel or accidentally saw off my own leg with the electric hedge trimmer.

To wrap up my case, I'd like to present you with what I believe to be.....

The Top Seven Most Metal Plant Varieties:

1. Bloody Butcher (varieties of both tomato and corn).

2. Snapdragon

3. Love Lies Bleeding

4. Ghost Flower

5. Queen of the Night Tulips

6. Baby's Tears (a ferny/mossy ground cover).

(Jesus Christ, a gargoyle?! Could this be any more fitting?)

7. Bleeding Hearts.

Feel free to comment and add any additional bad ass flora that I've neglected to mention.

Time Travel as a Means of Financial Avoidance

Sometimes when I start feeling crappy about how little money I have, I like to do a little bit of time traveling.

Although it would be really cool if I could literally go back in time (to a period when I could undo the purchase of an ill-advised pair of shoes, or not have "repairs" done to my car which fixed nothing), I can't actually do that.

So, what I do instead is to think about my bank account balance in terms of history.  As in, equate the number of dollars I have with a certain time period and think about what life would be like during those years.

For Instance:

$1610 (After I get paid).

"Oh cool, we're just about in the Enlightenment right now....Chillin' with Sir Isaac, listening to some serious baroque shit. Life is definitely improving up in this piece."

~but then~

$1335 (After I pay for food, gas, phone, insurance and the Internet/electricity bills)

"OK, so we're in the Middle Ages...Not the best place to be, but I think we can sneak out of here without the Bubonic Plague doing us in. It's almost over."

~Aaaand finally~


$500 (after I pay for rent and a random horrible thing that always seems to crop up...)

"Well, there's no doubt about it, this time period sucks...The world is pretty barbaric, and if I wasn't raped and/or killed I probably would have died of old age about a year ago. But hey....pretty soon there will be lots of Vikings!"

*************************

Although this bizarre practice doesn't increase the amount of money I have at all, it does give me a way to exercise my knowledge of social studies. In turn, this allows me to secretly maintain a false sense of superiority over others who can actually afford to buy steak and subscribe to premium HBO channels.