A couple of months back, I was driving down route 300 near Newburgh, NY when I saw a sign that looked identical to this:
"Hmm...Lap (4) Life," I thought to myself. Immediately, images of high school gym class flickered into my brain.
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The large, grass-filled rectangle behind Middleburgh High School was encircled by a dirt path, which, whether or not it was emblazoned with chalk lines for a meet that particular evening, was referred to as "The Track."
I ran many a hot, clumsy, and excruciatingly slow mile on that humiliating piece of acreage, once even managing to dive head-first over a 10-foot long bench in front of the entire 11th grade boys' gym class. Needless to say, I wasn't exactly the "Athletic Type".
The wonderful thing about that particular location is that it really had a great 360-degree viewing radius of all the adjacent on-goings, ensuring that every last one of the attractive, older guys saw my horrific display.
Also, the sewage treatment plant was located little more than a stone's throw away, and on a warm day a scent reminiscent of sweaty goat balls covered in shit often permeated the country air.
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"Ugh, Jesus...Fucking Lap (4) Life," I reiterated to myself, out loud this time.
"Sounds strenuous and sickening."
I went home to find out just what, exactly, Lap 4 Life was all about. My suspicions that it had something to do with cancer were confirmed, as I read about Desmoid Tumors and how omnipresent they (unfortunately) have become. Lap 4 Life aimed to raise money for continued research on this variety of tumor, as well as for organ transplantation when deemed necessary.
Although this is a noble aim, I had to wonder to myself whether getting people to beg sponsorship to run four miles in the blazing sun or freezing cold (depending on which of the two lovely Northeastern seasons we're experiencing at that time it might be) was really the way to best beat these aggressive tumors and ideally, fund a cure.
"There has to be a way to raise money for this fantastic cause that is both fun for the participants that provides a hyper-effective, undeniable incentive for the sponsors," I reasoned with myself.
Something amazing, that will practically sell itself, raising more funding for tumor research than ever before.
And that is when it dawned on me:
Well, duh - why hadn't anyone thought of it sooner? LAPDANCE 4 LIFE!
....
Think about it.
It's kind of hard to argue that naked girls (or guys -- we don't have to discriminate) writhing upon/around a willing participant won't raise a crap-load of money. After all, you've got all the factors that economists and business bigwigs tout as the perfect formula for profit:
1) Demand.
Boobs, Butts + Vajay-jays= A whole hell of a lot of demand. And, much like the sensation of being hungry, becoming horny happens over and over -- there is no point at which it's satiated with finality, goes out of style or fails appeal to a certain demographic. This is a universal, addictive urge that renews itself within a couple of hours.
2) Supply.
Now, this is a little bit trickier than demand, but the circumstances are special here: you aren't just walking up to that hot redhead in your office carpool group and asking her to show you her tits. You're asking her to "dance" for an amazing, charitable cause that could, in effect, save lives!
Furthermore, it's pretty insensitive to smack someone in the face who's soliciting your services for a solidly benevolent organization.
she'll probably agree out of guilt at least, and if you sense wavering in terms of commitment, remind her that volunteering for a charity will certainly make her resume look impressive to future employers.
Heck, she may even offer to recruit some attractive family members, friends or roommates for the cause!
However, your success in this recruitment endeavor is really all about how you present the situation once in a lifetime opportunity.
3) Playing on Public Pathos Like Yo-Yo Ma Attacking a Beethoven Sonata
Although the word "Pathos" may seem rather archaic and well, Greek, trust me -- you definitely know what it means.
Example:
Remember those unbearable SPCA commercials depicting various abused, sad and unloved animals with Sarah Maclaughlin crooning softly in the background? Well, I don't know about you, but I can't watch even 10 full seconds of those agonizing fucking things.
Reason being that by the time the first starving, crippled kitten appears on the screen, I'm ready to run around, pull my hair out and sob, "something has to be done" and "what keeps us from just fucking killing ourselves EVERY DAY?!"
While your reaction may not be *quite* as severe, I bet most of you (save for the inbred sociopaths) probably feel at least a little pang in the heart while viewing these ads.
Well, the pang -- that emotional reaction, my friends -- is referred to in the marketing world as pathos.
And you can invoke this magical feeling easily in terms of Lapdance 4 Life, making it not only acceptable, but also seen in a downright positive light.
Look, just about all of us know someone who has been stricken with cancer in one form or another. And who amongst us would not love for this ubiquitous killer to be eradicated, once and for all?!
No one, that's who.
OK, so there are going to be some hot (and not so hot, let's be gracious to anyone who wants to donate their body and time, here) chicks dancing around naked for money. And there are going to be A LOT of dudes watching, some of which will inevitably try to engage physically.
But come on, man! It's for CHARITY.
When you see that pair of banana-shaped boobs bouncing around to the beat of "Wild Thing" by Tone Loc in the middle school gymnasium, just picture scientists in lab coats holding up a glass slide containing the recently discovered microorganism that eats cancerous cells!
When you hear the belabored slide of dimpled, moist thighs descending (upside down) from the community playground's fire pole, envision of a mountain of coins falling from the sky, transforming into a pile of replacement kidneys, prostates, breasts and colons for (previously) terminal cancer patients!
If you think about this way, it's easy to see how Lapdance 4 Life would be a fool-proof entree in the buffet of charitable fundraising options.
In conclusion, if you'd like to hire my services as an event planner for your nonprofit foundation, I can be reached at: jeezumcrowvintage@yahoo.com.
*Please Note*: Lap4Life is actually an awesome organization and I applaud what they do. If you want to (seriously) know more about this association, donate or participate in a race, you can check out their website here:
