Weather-MANIA!

Guys, seriously...How long has it been snowing, raining, windy, etc. over the course of history? Pretty much every day, right? Well then, why does it seem that suddenly people are OBSESSED with the weather in an unhealthy way? Take this current snowstorm, for example. Everywhere I go, the ONLY thing people talk about is The Snow; how much we're going to get, how much we've already got, whether or not it will be the last storm of the season, snow days, etc.
I understand that weather can be exciting, but consider the weather channels and news. It almost seems like a whole SWAT team of weather temps have been hired, just to create Power Point presentations about the path of the storm, the severity, etc. Check out this link to see what I mean:

Weather Insanity.


First you have the normal, text report that predicts what the next 24 or 48 hours will bring in terms of weather. But it seems totally unnecessary to have a huge map with glaring yellow font (all in capital letters, naturally!) Highlighting just a few words in summary of what the nasty ol' Mother Nature is going to bring. Because, LAWD knows that we don't have time to read like, a FOUR SENTENCE weather report! We need to get that shit done in four WORDS! "TRAVEL IMPACT BEGINS; SNOW MOVES IN!" In addition, apparently it's super imperative that we also use bold in the text report, because certain words are just so important!
 
Major snowstorm...peak intensity...travel impacts will be major...road travel will become dangerous, if not locally IMPOSSIBLE!

We craft weather reports as if they were newscasts of terrorist attacks.

I can just see a group of production people huddled around a table in the News Channel 13 studio. The conversation probably goes something like this:

Supervisor: "Alright, guys, what have we got set to air for this monster storm today?"

Underling: "Well, I wrote up a couple of paragraphs describing the kind of precipitation we're getting, the amount anticipated, and the impacts it will likely have on everyday life for the next day or two. Also, I included the standard weather map with swirly colorful patterns to indicate where precipitation will be the heaviest."

Supervisor: "STANDARD WEATHER MAP?! You've got to be fucking kidding me. Guys, I want MAGIC, here! I want interactive maps, where you can click online for storm development by the HOUR! I need important words in bold! I HAVE to have 18 point font in piss yellow with slogan-esque DEVASTATION HIGHLIGHTS! This very well could be the last weather incident we witness for the rest of our LIVES!"

Underling: "...Yes, sir. Sorry, sir...I will make the necessary changes."

*Supervisor turns on his heels, takes a sip of his Starbucks Venti Espresso-ccino*(mutters while exiting scene): "Jesus, is anyone else even EXCITED about the weather around here?"

Vocabulary Enrichment Lesson

“Dick flick” (n): The male movie equivalent of “chick flick.” Opposed to a romantic comedy (the basic chick flick standard) a dick flick would consist of monster movies (without heart/a good script) or sensationalist predator/prey model movies. This could mean monster predators or werewolves, zombies, slasher-type films, etc.
This genre also includes unabashed testosterone-fueled movies having to do solely with fighting, starring ‘roid-pumped heroes with no discernible cause to fight for. Another hint that you are watching a dick flick: it could contain stereotypically hot, scantily clad female character(s) who have very few lines--all of which are self-evident observations, constantly revealing her vulnerability/inferior intellectual makeup.

Using dick flick in a sentence:

“Crank: High Voltage” was the worst dick flick I’ve ever been forced to suffer through.

The 11th Insight: Films That Suck Marmoset Scrotum

I was dealt the grave misfortune of enduring The Celestine Prophecy last night, and I felt I needed to discuss it with yous. I guess I have no one but myself to blame, as I was the one who selected the movie. Also, I was told to read the book instead, a recommendation which I blatantly flouted. And you know what I realized? There are some things in life that you should just do, instead of asking questions or pissing and moaning. One of those is to wear a hat when you're out in the cold. Another is to eat your vegetables. But, I think that reading the book before watching the film is almost always sage advice--one which so many of us choose to ignore at the peril of our mental faculties.
The Celestine Prophecy was bad. So many books that are turned into movies and just pulverized into bite-sized morsels; aka: Hollywood's idea of what is palatable to American viewers. This is insulting to me, but sometimes it can be funny, too...Really funny.
Let's discuss some of the ways that Hollywood makes awesome and completely different books into movies that all have a similar, familiar grease slick of sleaze over them.


Things That Make Me Say, "I Can No Longer Take This Film Seriously":

1. Uniformly horrific acting. I can overlook one or two crappy actors that have bit parts. I feel bad when they kind of take the story down a notch for the others, who are trying in earnest to do it justice, or at least make it believable. However, just about all the actors in The Celestine Prophecy were horrendous. It became pretty hilarious as the movie got more serious.

2. Ridiculous plot that doesn't ease us into "suspension of disbelief." I love fantasy movies and far-fetched stuff, but come ON. The story has to kind of build upon something believable (or at least be fantastically written/acted!) for me to get attached to the characters or ideas. This just didn't occur at all in the film. The main character meets with a curly haired archaeologist, whom he hasn't seem in a long time. She tells him he has to go to Peru. He isn't even close to this woman (or didn't seem to be) and yet, he's basically like, "Yeah, that's a fuckin' GREAT idea; I've been kind of meaning to do something rash and expensive since I lost my job!" Annnnnnd then he's on the next flight to South America.
It seems like bad movies often have these kinds of unjustified leaps of plot faith that I'm just not willing to take with the characters involved.

3. BAAAAD montages. Is it just me, or does every shitty movie have a goddamn montage? (Albeit, a lot of good ones do, too, but it just seems like the really bad producers just CAN'T control themselves on this aspect.) Sometimes a montage can be powerful and a great way to travel in time while not wasting movie minutes. But when the plot is murky, montages can add to the confusion for me.

4. Laugh-Til-You-Puke Sound Bytes. This movie had these in SPADES. Next time you start a movie that you suspect may be of this breed, see if you can find this indicator of stand-out quality: At some point in the first half of the film, there will be a traveling scene. This scene will open with the camera panning over a huge expanse of scenery--it could be forest, desert, mountains, you name it. There will most likely be a swell of music; bonus points if it's an instrumental. However, this aspect is CRUCIAL: If it is a fucking HORRIBLE movie, right at the end of this "Majestic Wilderness" image, an unseen bird will "CAAAAWWW!" one time.
I am guessing this is done to illustrate how untamed and wild the atmosphere is, but it just magically appears in every wilderness somehow!
To me, this is viable evidence that the director's mentally challenged brother was hired, out of pity, to do sound effects for the movie. He also may also be responsible for the totally unnecessary spider monkey screeching that tends to go on, or the sickening sound of gentle chimes whenever the main character gets together with a love interest.

When a movie is of this caliber, the crew probably just lets that guy run wild, putting in noises wherever he feels like it. Yep. Because once it comes down to the nearly finished product, the producers know it's probably too far gone to salvage.

Do you guys notice things like this in movies? Please share your thoughts!

Something to Keep You Sane

When living in the world feels sucky and I just can't take anymore sadness or seriousness, I do what I think most people do for comfort and escape...Look at pictures of cute animals.

One of my favorite blogs for this purpose is: Happy LOL Day, which can be found down below in the blogs I follow. (I'd put a link up, but it seems like I'm having trouble doing such things as of late, which is a pain in the ass!) The gal that writes this blog seems like a very nifty lady, and her beautiful posts often include photography, odes to celebrities of character, and videos of all things cute. I come here daily for a shot in the arm of happiness, whether I am just trying to start the day off right, or needing a lift after a less than savory morning. I recommend you check it out.
More fun to come in the following days!

Top Thirteen Cinematic Couples

I know, I know...Today is not Valentine's Day. But guess what? I was busy yesterday having a life. However, today I am back to my typical, and admittedly, more comfortable, mode of being anti-social and couch-bound. I couldn't resist cooking up this juicy little list for you all, whether you were saddled up with a ball-and-chain yesterday, or just riding solo. Because, let's face it--who gives a shit if you have a "significant other" on V-day? We all can (and do!) still fantasize about movie love, and how the great romantic moments in cinematic history can be just as good (or often, better!) than our own first kisses, marriage (or shag) proposals, etc. These are my top thirteen cinematic couples and love situations in movie history. Feel free to comment, add, and dispute my choices, I'm sure I've forgotten characters I will later be kicking myself over.

1. Margot and Richie Tenenbaum, The Royal Tenenbaums. Yep, I'm starting this off with some potent controversy. It's almost incest, since they were raised in the same household. But, after all, she WAS adopted. So it's not really illegal, but certainly "frowned upon." I don't know about you, but as a kid I always fantasized about my mom or dad marrying someone with a hot son(who conveniently came to live with us) that I could have a secret relationship with. The fact that these two grew up together is just icing on the cake. They ran away together as kids. He attempted suicide after hearing of her sexual escapades. They kiss in his childhood tent hideout. Yep, a top notch pairing.


2. Loretta Castorini and Ronny Cammareri, Moonstruck. This is not just one of my favorite couples of all time, but also one of my all-time favorite movies. First, Loretta is engaged to marry Ronny's brother Johnny. Then, she meets Ronny and loses her mind. This may seem like a totally cliche situation, but I assure you, it is not. Loretta is not the breed of flighty whore that you would associate with such behavior. She's a middle aged lady that has her shit together. I mean, she works at a funeral parlor, for crissakes! Oh, and did I mention that Ronny is played by a very young Nick Cage? I know...you may not imagine this to be a hot and sexy or well-acted character, but I ASSURE you, it IS. I will fight someone to the death if they say that Nick Cage can't act (with this movie as my only real evidence.) When he knocks over the table in a drunken passion, scoops Loretta off her feet and screams "Son of a bitch!" as he walks to the bed with her in his arms, I squeal like a 12 year old girl at a Jonas Brothers concert. If this fails to arouse or at least make you laugh/smile, it's possible that you are not human.


3. Amélie Poulain and Nino Quincampoix, Le fabuleux destin d'Amélie Poulain. This movie is just soaked in romance. The cinematography, the music, the setting! I love every bit of it. But Amelie is adorable, and the way she interacts with Nino is so innocent and sincere. Also, who can dispute the hotness that ensues when she goes on the scary ride at the Fun Fair, and a reaper costume-clad Nino whispers in her ear? HOT.

4. Magenta and Riff Raff, The Rocky Horror Picture Show. Who knew alien love could be so fucking hot? Once again, we are rocking the incest, here: these two admit to being siblings more than once in the film. Maybe I'm into that kind of thing? Jesus...I better get myself to a shrink... Anyhow. They have a special secret handshake that is exclusive to the two of them, which I find awesome, basically. I think that should be a prerequisite for all couples! Also, they have kickass space style, rockin' sets of pipes, and killer dance moves. I'd say these are the two most fashionable alien lovers EVER.

5. Dawn Campbell and Tommy Corn, I Heart Huckabees. She starts out with a total toolbag named Brad, known in reality as Jude Law (or Dude Law, as I like to call him.) She has a mental breakdown as a result of the existential detectives and decides that she no longer wants to be a sex symbol. Then she dresses in overalls and a bonnet and almost dies in a fire. Except for the fact that Tommy is a firefighter (HOT!) and ends up finding her in the burning building (DOUBLE HOT!) Their connection is a love-at-first encounter kind of deal. They are totally comfortable with each other and can handle one another's "Infinite nature." Amazing.

6. Lotte Schwartz, Maxine Lund, and Craig Schwartz, Being John Malkovich. Yeah, this is twisted. Craig and Lotte are married, but they both fall in love with Maxine. The passion they both have for Maxine--which they act out through Malkovich's body--is compelling. The rivalry between the former husband and wife team over this woman is life-long, changing them both forever. And, well, it makes for an awesome movie, showing how far people will go to have the one they love in extreme circumstances.

7.Charlie Kaufman and Donald Kaufman, Adaptation. Two things to start out: first, let's just establish that Charlie Kaufman, the writer, is THE MAN. Secondly, I am using this movie as further evidence of Nicholas Cage's awesomeness. The man plays twins. Two people! And he does it AMAZINGLY. I know that the relationship between these two brothers isn't romantic, but it doesn't matter. The journey that their relationship makes, from a one-sided appreciation to full-circle actualization and intense love really shakes me up inside. Donald is the living and breathing embodiment of his essential line in this film: "You are what you love, not what loves you." Charlie realizes his brother's emotional majesty and superhuman depth right before it is too late...Ground-breaking.

8. Sam Wheat and Molly Jensen, Ghost. Yeah, it's not as profound as the last one, but come on! Who hasn't seen this and cried like an infant? There are definitely cheesy parts (like, uh...the majority of the film) but the fact that Sam won't leave Molly behind, trying to communicate his love and protect her postmortem, is just heartbreaking. The P-Swayze had a good thing going in this film, and he will be greatly missed.

9.Forest Gump and Jenny Curran, Forest Gump. This was a toughie, because I considered putting "Forest and Bubba" instead of Forest and Jenny. The mutual love between the two aforementioned soldier friends was definitely heart-wrenching and genuine. However, Forest's love for Jenny basically propelled him through the entire film. Everywhere he went, he thought about her. Whatever he did, she was there with him. He often ended up at historical events without even realizing it, in part because he was always looking for her (and also because he was semi-tarded.) Considering how much Forest loves Jenny, he really only gets to be with her in the physically sense, for a small portion of his life. But the way his love is reflected in everything he does, says and thinks throughout the movie makes it a great and notable love.

10. Aragorn and Arwen, The Lord of the Rings Trilogy. Inter-species love...YES! This couple is too good to be true. A strapping human dude with larger than life hero skills, and an ethereal, gentle elfin goddess. Their children would be too beautiful to even look at straight on. Arwen forsakes immortal life for the possibility of spending her life with Aragorn if the battle between good and evil doesn't kill them all. If that's not romantic, well heck...I don't know what is!

11. Milo and Otis, The Adventures of Milo and Otis. Flouting eons of historically bad canine-feline relations to go on adorable adventures together. This is good shit, people.



12. Romeo Montague and Juliet Capulet, Romeo and Juliet. This has always been one of Shakespeare's most loved works, but I'm going to go with, specifically, the Baz Luhrmann version. It's a visual feast with an out of this world soundtrack, and Leonardo DiCaprio was at his hotness peak, in my opinion. Claire Dane's expressive face combined with her restrained interpretation of Shakesperian dialogue was pretty inspired. However, this is not what I was thinking as a 12 year old, when I saw this film with my cousin as my first sans grown-ups movie theater experience. I was just thinking about how steamin' Leo and Claire were together during the underwater kissing scenes, and how fucked up it was when they both kicked the bucket. An edgy, culturally relevant portrayal of a historically sizzlin' love.

13. Butch Coolidge and Fabienne, Pulp Fiction. You've probably guessed by now that this list isn't in any particular order of importance, because if it was, these two would be near the top. There are a lot of memorable couplings in Pulp Fiction, but I like this one best. Their dynamic is truly hilarious and heartwarming. He's a tough (and disgustingly hot) boxer who turns into a pet-name slinging mush ball at the sight of her. She's an adorably opinionated French gal who looks like a middle school boy. Yet, their relationship is surprisingly normal and refreshing. Tarantino-style magic.

RE: Groundhog.

That damn groundhog is about as reliable as Albany TV weatherman Steve Caporizzo. (No offense if you're reading this, Steve.)
What a job for a rodent (The Groundhog, not Steve.) First of all that creature presumably eats for 11 months straight (have you seen it? as Fucillo would say; it's HUGE!) Then, it lumbers out of its comfy little burrow one lousy day per year, sees its damn shadow, scratches its ass and walks back down to bed. Lucky little turd; sleeping for ANOTHER 6 WEEKS while the rest of us endure the frigid temps. Because, well--some of us don't have the luxury of HIBERNATING when the going gets tough. I suspect that little rat bastard is living off of Daddy's trust fund, because some of us actually have to make a living up here above ground.
Oh, and by the way--Can anyone else recall a time that obese douche bag ever predicted spring would come EARLY? Maybe if he lost like, ten pounds, he would have less of a shadow and we'd be getting down to some Spring-dingin' around here. But then again, anyone who's lived in the Northeast for a consecutive twelve months knows that when Spring comes, it has never been, nor will it EVER be as early as February 2nd. Push that shit up a couple months there, big boy. Puxsutawney's annual debut should be more of an April Fool's-Type Deal. You guys know what I'm saying?

P.S. I vote that Steve Caporizzo's Facebook "doppelganger" should be Senator John Kerry. Discuss.